Monday, June 27, 2016

Titles Schmitles, Let's Just Do This!

Well, it's almost that time of year again:

Which means it's time for The Official Bike Snob NYC Tour de France Preview!


Just kidding!


I mean seriously, I can't even.

You've seen three or four of these things and you've seen them all, and any journalist who manages to cover this French slog year in and year out deserves either an award or a few rounds of electroshock therapy.

Speaking of beating your head against the wall, I've been blogging about bikes for nine (9) years now, which means I get to do glamorous stuff like conduct Facebook Live interviews on Manhattan rooftops:


That was merely a preface to a more "formal" interview we did in front of a green screen, which presumably you'll be able to watch (or, more likely, avoid) in the not-too-distant future:

I generally tend to spare you my own likeness on this blog, but I fell this particular still warrants further attention because it's particularly unflattering:


I have no idea what I was talking about at that moment, but it looks like I was doing any one of the following:

--Mending a hole in a pair of underwear with a needle and thread
--Eating a giant invisible corn on the cob
--Pulling the cover off the Afikoman
--Playing matador with a rat and a dinner napkin

Anyway, it should be interesting to see what they project onto that green screen behind me, and when it's ready I'll let you know:


Meanwhile, I've been coming to terms with being back home by engaging in recreational bicycle riding, and with my legs positively bursting with West Coast fitness it was good to get back onto my artisanal singlespeed all-terrain bicycle the other day:


Interestingly, at no point during my highly enjoyable ride did I think to myself, "Boy, this would be even better if my saddle went up and down."  I'm sure the Mountain Freds will say it's because I don't shred radly enough or something, but this recent "Bicycling" story entitled "12 Ways to Use a Dropper Post" does nothing to allay my skepticism regarding this increasingly popular technology:


(Warning: I clicked on this and I got an auto-play ad featuring a narrator with an Australian accent.)

I was disappointed that "Cracking Walnuts" and "Prostate Stimulation" were not included in the list, but other purported uses include improved climbing:

Climbing: It might seem counterintuitive to lower your seat to climb, but try it in rough terrain. Often you're standing anyway, and you'll find you can absorb bumps better with the seat lowered, which can help improve traction. 

Riding over fallen logs:

Fallen Logs: A lowered seat won't jolt you forward when your back wheel comes up and over the log, minimizing your chance of an endo. 

And, oddly, flat-footing your bicycle:

Stopping: Simply lower your seat and you can sit with both feet comfortably on the ground! 

Therefore, after reading the complete list, I can only conclude that these Mountain Freds have been setting their saddles too high in the first place for whatever the hell it is they're doing out there.

I mean sure, get a dropper post if you want, I'm sure they're fun and all, but if you want to save some money you could also just lower your saddle a tad (which will have a negligible effect on your "performance" or "power transfer") and then work on sucking less at riding.

Speaking of being too high, you've no doubt heard by now that Floyd Landis is launching a weed store:


Founded by former professional cyclist Floyd Landis, his new company enters the recreational cannabis industry specializing in pesticide free cannabis oil sourced from high altitude growers using an industry leading, pharmacy grade CO 2 extraction process. Uniquely formulated vape and edible products are crafted for an enhanced consumer experience and are carefully prepared by licensed pharmacists to maximize the many health benefits of recreational cannabis.

An affinity for THC certainly explains the whole "Grey Manrod" thing, but apparently he also found that cannabis was good for his hip pain:

“The therapeutic uses for cannabis can’t be ignored. For years I relied on opioid pain relievers to treat my hip pain. With cannabis, I find that I can manage my pain and have a better quality of life. We need to give people a safer alternative.”

And you've got to wonder if he was sampling his own goods when he composed this, which could go down as the best cycling-related tweet of the year:
I don't see anybody outdoing that one anytime soon.

Meanwhile, not to be outdone in the "businesses for burnouts" department, Landis's legal adversary Lance Armstrong has started a podcast:
I didn't have an hour to listen to the full bro-down, but I did skip around a bit, and they talked about bees.

When he invites me on you'll know he's really desperate--though they don't make them more desperate than Boston Globe columnist and chinless shitbag Jeff Jacoby:


Who you may recall penned the deeply idiotic "Urban roads aren't meant for bicycles" last year, and who responded to a recent cyclist death by firing up his Twitter and voiding his bowels yet again:


Yes, so profoundly fuck-witted is this guy that he thinks the key to safer streets is allowing only cars and then removing all external stimuli for the people who are clearly too stupid to operate them, himself included:


Though I suppose in a way it's progress that people in the media are finally admitting most of us are not capable of operating a motor vehicle--unlike the NYPD, for example:

The driver of an SUV struck and killed a former White House-appointed watchdog while he was crossing the street yesterday, police said. Gerald Walpin, 84, was crossing 79th Street at Lexington Avenue at about 11:00 a.m. when a 52-year-old driver made a left turn at the intersection and struck him, according to the investigation. Emergency responders found Walpin lying in the intersection with head trauma, and he was transported to New York Presbyterian hospital, where he succumbed to his injuries.

Lexington Avenue is a one-way street, so if the driver was making a left onto 79th and hit someone in the crosswalk then that's an obvious violation of the new Right Of Way Law, which allows officers to arrest motorists at the scene.  And certainly given the importance of the victim that's exactly what happened, right?

Yeah, right:

The driver who struck Walpin remained at the scene, and there haven't been any arrests, police said. The investigation is ongoing.

"Vision Zero" my ass.

And via Streetsblog, here's how the NYPD treats hit-and-run when the victim manages to get the license plate:

I was thrown down, rolled five to 10 feet across the street into the gutter, and had the wind knocked out of me.

When I looked up, the driver had momentarily stopped. By some miracle, even though it was dark out, I was able to see and remember the license plate “NYLUXURY” because the SUV had illuminated vanity plates.


Although the driver stopped long enough for me to memorize his plates, he decided to take off and leave the scene of the accident despite knowing he had struck a pedestrian.

So what happened?

The NYPD was able to trace the license plate to a Chevy Suburban operated by “New York’s Finest Luxury Car & Limousine Service,” based out of Yonkers, NY, and were even able to obtain a VIN number for the car.

My hope was that the NYPD detective who was assigned to my case would obtain the records from the car service showing who was driving at the time so that somebody could be held responsible. Depending on the circumstance, leaving the scene of a motor vehicle accident can be a felony.

The detective made a single phone call, during which the owner of the car service claimed his “system was down,” and he couldn’t provide the name of the driver at the time of the accident.


I was told by the detective that there was nothing more he could do. He encouraged me to file a civil suit.

Hmmm, a car service called "New York Finest," with these displayed on its website?  Wonder what happened there:

Alas, we may never know.




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